1:00 pM
On a Saturday
Philadelphia, PA
InT. Paddy's Pub - DAY
DEE stands behind the bar. MAC and DENNIS sit across from her. The three of them are eating TASTY KAKE snacks. CHARLIE is down at the far end of the bar listening to a WALKMAN with HEADPHONES and a BOOK open in front of him.
Dennis
I'd say my favorite Tasty Kake has to be the creme filled chocolate cupcake.
Mac
You would say that. Myself, I go for the classic, the flagship snack: The Butterscotch Krimpet.
Dee
You guys are both idiots. The creme-filled coffee cake is by far the best.
Dennis looks down the bar at Charlie.
DENNIS
Hey Charlie! What's your favorite Tasty Kake?
Charlie doesn't respond because of the headphones.
Dennis (CONT'D)
(turning to Mac and Dee)
What the hell is he doing?
Mac throws an empty beer can at Charlie.
Charlie
(startled)
What!?!?
MAC
What the hell are you doing?
ChARLIE
Hooked on Phonics.
Dee
What?
ChARLIE
(yelling)
Hooked on phonics!
Mac
Why?
ChARLIE
Because, Mac, it's high time I learned how to read properly. Time to grow up and be a man.
DENNIS
You're back in love with the Waitress aren't you?
ChARLIE
What? No. No way. I thought it would be good for the business.
Mac
Whatever. What would be good for the bar would be an HDTV. It's Saturday afternoon and we should have people in here watching college football.
DENNIS
Hey, Mac is right. All the big bars have nice TVs. All we have is this piece of shit.
Dee
Those things are expensive. Where are we gonna get the money for a TV? Let alone pay for the cable? We should offer Tasty Kakes to our patrons. Everyone loves Tasty Kakes.
MAC
That's retarded. We're getting an HDTV and I know exactly where we can get one on the cheap.
DeNNIS
Where?
MAC
A place where everything is cheap or stolen.
Dee
What are you talking about?
MAC
I'm talking about a place where an entire culture has absolutely no regard for copyright laws or patents. Where billions of people are OK with stealing and selling knockoffs.
DeNNIS
I think I know what you're getting at.
Mac
I'm talking about a little place called Chinatown.
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: "THE GANG GETS YELLOW FEVER"
INT. pADDY'S PUB - DAY
DEE, DENNIS, and MAC are rushing out the door. Before they can get out FRANK comes flying in.
MAC
Watch it, old man.
Behind Frank enters a young, attractive, Asian-American girl named SANDY.
Dennis stops dead in his tracks.
DENNIS
Hi, I'm Dennis. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. Mind if I show you around?
Frank
Cool it, Dennis. She's with me. This old man. Her name is Sandy.
Dee
Hi, Sandy.
Sandy
Hello.
MAC
How did you meet this beautiful Oriental girl?
FRANK
She's an American, Jack-Ass.
DENNIS
That's Mac. He's really insensitive whereas I know much about the plight of Asian-Americans.
FRANK
Would you idiots shut the hell up?
Beat.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I was out cruising for chicks last night, you know, on the prowl for some young coeds down on South Street.
DEE
Frank you're 65 year's old.
FRANK
(ignoring Dee)
And Sandy here is a business major at Drexel. She wants to own her own business some day.
DeNNIS
Wow, you must be such a hard worker. How admirable.
FRANK
Well, we got to talking over a couple of Long Island Iced Teas and she said she could work for us and we don't even have to pay her as long as she gets school credit
MAC
Yes, she could be our intern. We'll have Charlie show her the ropes.
Dee
Frank that's great. We'll have someone else around here who will actually work.
DENNIS
She'll learn so much so that one day she can earn enough money to send back to her family in Asia. So admirable.
MaC
Not only will she learn from us, but there is much that we can learn from her and her Eastern ways.
FranK
Holy Shit.
CUT TO:
EXT. chinatown - DAY
DEE, MAC, and DENNIS are walking along a crowded street in Philadelphia's Chinatown. Dee and Dennis are annoyed. Mac is excited.
MAC
I know we're gonna find a place with HDTV's real soon.
DENNIS
C'mon, Mac. There's nothing but bootleg DVDs, fake handbags, and weird food around here.
Mac
They wouldn't display the really good stuff on the street. We gotta ask somebody.
Dee
Fine, I'll ask this guy.
Dee taps a young Asian guy on the shoulder and starts speaking very slowly as if to a someone who doesn't speak English.
Dee (CONT'D)
Excuse me, sir. Where can we find "hot" TV's?
As he turns around we zoom out to see that he's with WAITRESS.
ASIAN GUY
(in an American Accent)
Excuse me?
WAITRESS
Dee?
Dee
Oh, hey, how's it going? I haven't seen you in so long.
Dee sees that Waitress and an Asian Guy are holding hands.
Dee (CONT'D)
Is this your boyfriend? Does he speak English? Wow, Asian boy toy, didn't know you had it in you...
WAITRESS
Yes, he's my boyfriend, Aaron.
DENNIS
Hey, Waitress.
WAITRESS
Screw you, Dennis. I'm over you.
DENNIS
Sure you are.
MAC
Hey, can your oriental boyfriend help us find out where they sell TV's around here?
Aaron
Sure, I can help you.
WAITRESS
Don't help these people. They're horrible.
DENNIS
You know, that's sad. Because I thought we had something special.
MaC
We're horrible? You take every opportunity that you can to shit on Charlie.
Dee
He's actually truly trying to learn how to read right now. And he's doing it all for you.
WAITRESS
Really?
AaRON
It's no big deal. I know that stand right over there has TVs in the back.
Dee
You're boyfriend is so wise.
WAITRESS
Shut up, Dee.
CUT TO:
INT. pADDY'S PUB - AFTERNOON
CHARLIE is at the bar studying his hooked on phonics again. SANDY is wiping down the bar.
SaNDY
I'm all done.
CHARLIE
What do you mean you're all done?
SaNDY
I mopped up all the puke from the booths, restocked the coolers with beer, filled all the vodka bottles with water, and cleaned all the glasses.
CHARLIE
Did you get the feces off of the walls in the men's bathroom?
SANDY
Yep.
CHARLIE
How about the ceiling?
SaNDY
Yep.
FRANK enters the bar. He's dressed in a manner that suggests he's trying to look young and hip. LIMITED EDITION SNEAKERS, CARGO PANTS, an IRONIC T-SHIRT and a green military HAT with a RED STAR on it.
FRANk
Whadup, dudes?
CHARLIE
Frank, Sandy here has gotten the bar the cleanest it has ever been. She's a real hard worker.
FRANK
Coolio, yo.
CHARLIE
What's with you?
FRANK
Whaddya mean, dude?
CHARLIE
What's with the hat and the lingo? Are you trying to impress our new intern? You know you're really old, right?
FRANK
Nah, man, this is just how I roll, yo.
Frank winks at Sandy. She gives him a pity smile back. This only encourages Frank.
CHARLIE
Anyway, duuude, Sandy is amazing. We should get more interns. Hey, Sandy, do you have any friends who'd want to be interns here?
SaNDY
Sure, I can ask around.
FRANK
That's a great idea, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I'll make them do all the shit that I have to do and we won't have to pay them a dime.
FRANK
(whispers to Charlie)
Plus there'll be a lot of hot young coeds running around.
CHARLIE
Right. And I can have more time to work on my Hooked-on-Phonics.
CUT TO:
InT. store in chinatown - DAY
DEE, DENNIS, MAC, WAITRESS, and AARON are crammed in a little store in Chinatown. The store is filled with tons of crap. Aaron, Mac, Dennis, and Waitress approach the store's clerk. Dee spots what she thinks is TASTY KAKES and separates from the group.
AaroN
(to the clerk discreetly)
Do you know where we can find an HDTV?
WAITRESS
I can't believe you're helping these assholes, Aaron.
dENNIS
Hey, c'mon. After all we've been through?
MAC
(to the clerk)
Yeah, we're talking huge and Hi-Def, but we don't want to pay a lot.
Clerk
I think I've got exactly what you're looking for. Come this way.
The Clerk leads them through a set of small doors and they walk down a narrow corridor. They look through one open door and there's some old ladies smoking OPIUM and playing MANGA. Through another open door is a WHITE BUSINESSMAN in just his UNDERWEAR with a hot CHINESE GIRL, she slams the door. They walk past another door where TWO GUYS are intensely playing PING-PONG. They finally enter a room at the end of the hall with tons of TVs.
MAC
This is what I'm talking about, bitches. We'll take that giant one.
Mac points to a giant flatscreen with a sticker on it that reads $300.
DENNIS
How soon can you deliver one of these bad boys?
CLERK
Tomorrow afternoon.
MAC
That's perfect. It'll be just in time for the Eagles' game.
DENNIS
(to Waitress and Aaron)
You guys should stop by. Drinks on the house.
WAITRESS
No way.
MAC
C'mon, it's the least we could do. We wouldn't have the TV if it weren't for your Asian boyfriend.
AaRON
Sure, that sounds good. Thanks.
WAITRESS
You're making a huge mistake.
CUT TO:
INT. pADDY'S PUB - EVENING
MAC, DENNIS, and DEE enter the pub. Dee is carrying a large CARDBOARD BOX. They are all excited.
MAC
Frank! Charlie! We did it! We went to Chinatown and bought a sweet HDTV for almost nothing.
The three of them look around. Frank and Charlie are nowhere in sight, but the bar actually has a good bit of CUSTOMERS. There are TWO ASIAN COLLEGE-AGED KIDS behind the bar serving drinks and there's ANOTHER ONE walking around with a TRAY serving customers at a booth.
DENNIS
What the hell is going on?
Dee
Where's Charlie and Frank?
MaC
Who are all these Asians kids running the bar? And doing a fabulous job by the looks of it.
DENNIS
Maybe they're in the office.
CUT TO:
INT. pADDY'S PUB Office - cONTINUOUS
CHARLIE and SANDY are sitting at the COMPUTER.
CHARLIE
Wow, that looks great. You're a real whiz at this.
MAC, DEE, and DENNIS enter the room.
MAC
Charlie, what the hell is going on?
CHARLIE
Sandy here is helping me put together a pamphlet for the interns. Kind of a Do's and Don't's and a list of responsibilities and whatnot.
DENNIS
All these kids are working here for free?
Another ASIAN GIRL enters and brings Charlie a cup of TEA.
CHARLIE
Thanks so much, Kim. It's green tea. Helps me stay sharp.
Dee
This is great. Can we get more of them?
CHARLIE
Way ahead of you. We've got an assload coming by tomorrow. That's why I'm putting together these pamphlets. I'm setting up a little training curriculum. I'm not sure what I'm going to call it yet. "Charlie's Fun Work Program" or "Paddy's Training Session" Oh, whatever, it'll come to me. I'm going to make the sign myself. My Hooked-on-Phonics is really coming along.
DENNIS
We've got amazing news too.
MAC
Yeah, the new HDTV is coming tomorrow. Just in time for the Eagles' game.
CHARLIE
Excellent. We'll have the interns set it up.
DEE
And I got a box of Tasty Kakes to set out for the customers. Only $5 for this whole box.
Dee opens the box. Dennis grabs a pack.
DENNIS
These aren't Tasty Kakes. Look at the packaging. Kakes is spelled with a "C". Everyone knows Kake is spelled with a "K".
DEE
What?
Dee looks at the package.
DEE (CONT'D)
God dammit! We'll serve them anyway.
CHARLIE
I'll have one.
Dee hands Charlie a Tasty Cake and he takes a big bite.
ChaRLIE (CONT'D)
Wow, these are actually really good.
DENNIS
Give me some.
MAC
Me too.
They're all chowing them down and loving them.
DEE
They taste just like the real thing. Amazing. We're definitely serving these.
Mac, Dee, and Dennis start to leave the room as FRANK enters. Again, he's trying desperately to dress like a young man; EXPENSIVE JEANS, a Che Gueverra T-SHIRT with a THERMAL underneath and the stupid GREEN HAT. He's with a young ASIAN GIRL.
FRANK
(to the young Asian girl)
Yeah, I totally blog.
On their way out of the room, they berate and humiliate Frank.
MAC
God, Frank, you look retarded.
DENNIS
Act your age, gramps.
DEE
You're embarrassing.
Frank shouts after them as they leave the room.
FRANK
You're all going in my blog!
CUT TO:
int. pADDY'S PUB - DAY
DENNIS, DEE, MAC, and CHARLIE are at the bar again eating the knock-off TASTY KAKES and drinking BEER.
CHARLIE
I don't feel so good. Something is wrong with these Tasty Kakes.
DEE
Yeah, I think you're right. Dennis, your skin looks awful.
DENNIS
What? What do you mean?
MAC
It looks kind of yellow.
DENNIS
So does yours?
Dennis turns to Dee and Charlie.
DENNIS (CONT'D)
You're guys' skin looks yellow too. What the shit is in these Tasty Kakes? Poison?
MAC
(wincing in pain)
Gee, thanks a lot, Dee. Uh, my stomach is killing me.
CHARLIE
I can't be sick. I've got twenty some oriental kids coming over today to be my slaves. I can't be anything but in top form.
FRANK exits from the office. He's still wearing his stupid green ARMY HAT, but now he's dressed in ALL ARMY GREENS.
FRANK
You ain't gonna get those kids to do shit.
CHARLIE
What the hell?
DENNIS
Frank, what the hell is going on?
MAC
Yeah, dude, you look like a total tool.
A couple of Asian college kids, including SANDY, walk into the bar. Charlie gets up in Frank's face.
ChARLIE
You better not screw this up, Frank.
FRANK
Screw what up, G?
Dennis, Mac, and Dee enter the argument.
DeNNIS
These oriental slaves are the best thing that's ever happened to this bar.
FRANK
These workers are entitled to some rights and I'm going to let them know about it.
MAC
When did you develop a sense of morals anyway?
DENNIS
He just wants them to think he's cool because he's getting old.
MAC
I knew it. You're just trying to curry favor to get some sweet young Asian tail.
DEE
That's disgusting.
CHARLIE
You're not cool. Get over it.
FRANK
We'll see about that.
SANDY
Hey, guys. Ew, you all look a little sick.
CHARLIE
Yeah, Dee bought us some poisoned Tasty Kakes. Steer clear of those.
SANDY
Will do.
FRANK
I'm going to say hello to some of your friends, Sandy.
CHARLIE
(angrily under his breath)
You stay away from those kids.
Charlie tries to grab him, but Frank shakes him off and heads over to the group of kids.
FRANK
Wud up, Homies?
CHARLIE
Sorry about that, Sandy.
TWO CHINESE GUYS enter the bar and shout from the door.
Chinese GUYS
TV Delivery!
DENNIS
Oh, yes, the HDTV is here.
MAC
Just in time.
Mac and Dennis run outside.
ChARLIE
Sandy, start gathering all the kids up. I'm going to make a speech on the stage to start the program.
SANDY
Sure.
CHARLIE
Oh, wait, can you get me some green tea too for my stomach. Dee, can you make sure Frank doesn't screw this up.
DEE
(grabbing her stomach)
I gotta go to the bathroom. Damn Tasty Kakes.
Dee runs off to the bathroom.
CUT TO:
EXT. pADDY'S PUB alley - DAY
DENNIS and MAC are helping the TWO CHINESE guys as they roll the TV down a RAMP off the back of a TRUCK. Dennis and one of the Chinese guys are on the bottom of the incline holding all the weight of the TV. Mac and the other Chinese guy are at the top. They are all struggling mightily. The rollers are caught on something on the ramp.
DENNIS
Something is wrong with this slope. I can't move it because of this stupid slope.
The Two Chinese guys look at each other as if to say, "what the hell did he just say?"
MAC
It's not the slope's fault. The slants are actually helping. You're just weak.
At this the Chinese guys start shouting in Chinese and let go of the TV.
DENNIS
What the hell is going on up there?
MAC
What are you guys doing?
DENNIS
I can't hold on any more.
The box falls to the ground.
maC
God damn it!
CUT TO:
InT. pADDY'S PUB - DAY
MAC and DENNIS are in the corner trying to set up their damaged TV.
MAC
We at least have to see if it works. It's almost 1 PM and the Eagles' game is starting. There's no Chinatown refunds.
DENNIS
Those guys seemed angry. Beats me why though?
WAITRESS (O.C.)
(annoyed)
Hello, Dennis.
Dennis turns around.
DENNIS
Hello, Waitress. Hello....
WAITRESS
Aaron. His name's Aaron and it was his idea to come down here. He thought you were serious about the free drinks.
MAC
Of course we were serious.
WAITRESS
What the hell is going on here? Who are all these Asian kids?
DENNIS
Why these are our interns. We get a little help around the bar and they get college credit. It's a win-win situation.
AARON
You guys look awful. You're skin is turning yellow.
MAC
Chinese Tasty Kakes. Stay clear of them. Never mind that though. Why don't I have one of the interns get you some drinks.
Mac snaps at a college kid.
MAC (CONT'D)
Boy. Get these two patrons a beer on the house.
Charlie enters excitedly.
CHARLIE
Waitress, what are you doing here?
She puts her arm around Aaron.
WAITRESS
My boyfriend wanted to come. We helped these knuckleheads get a black market TV so they owed him some free drinks.
CHARLIE
Boyfriend? Oh, that's cool. What are you from another country or something? I bet you can't read and write in English too well, right? Not as good as I can because I've been working really hard on my reading and writing skills. Ever heard of hooked on phonics? Probably not, since you're not from this country. You know, I figured it was time for me to admit my flaws, be a man, and learn my ABC's. But I guess it was all for nothing because now you're here and you've stolen the one thing in this world that I care about. You've ripped my heart out of my body, threw it on a wok with some vegetables and some MSG, tossed it around and then ate it with chopsticks probably. Thanks, pal.
Charlie is now gently weeping.
AARON
(coolly)
I'm from around here.
ChARLIE
Oh. Pleasure to meet you.
WAITRESS
What is it with you? That was the most offensive thing I've ever heard. You have no respect for Asian culture. None of you do. You're so immature.
CHARLIE
No respect! Immature! I'm running this whole internship program. I made instruction packets. I even made a banner. You'll see!
Charlie leaves in a hurry.
MAC
Anyway. Aaron, you want to help Dennis and I setup this TV?
AARON
Sure.
CUT TO:
INT. pADDY'S PUB - cONTINUOUS
FRANK mingles with the young Asian kids.
FRANK
You guys know this is total bullshit.
Asian KID 1
What do you mean?
FRANK
You guys know you're totally being taken advantage of.
Asian kid 2
No, it's cool. We get credit for hanging out at a bar. We don't mind doing a little work for that.
FRANK
Wake up and smell the General Tso's Chicken, dude, they're going to make you slaves. Make you clean up puke and piss. Work to all hours of the night and for nothing. Your fingers will be raw to the bone, your backs in terrible pain, and for what?
Enter Charlie.
CHARLIE
Frank, are you agitating? Are you agitating the workers? Stop agitating the workers. I will not have you agitate the workers.
AsIAN KID 1
This guy is right.
AsIAN KID 2
Working in a bar probably does suck. Why else would they want so many people here to help?
CHARLIE
No no no. It's a great gig, guys. Just hang on for two seconds I'm about to make a speech. I'll tell you all about it. It'll be the best experience of your college career.
FrANK
Bullshit.
CHARLIE
Frank, shut the hell up! Oh, god, my stomach hurts. Sandy. Sandy! Where's my green tea?
Sandy runs over and hands Charlie his green tea. He chugs it. He burns his tongue.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Ahhhh! I burnt my tongue. God damn it! Shit. I gotta make my speech.
Charlie walks up to the stage. At just that moment, across the room Mac, Dennis, Aaron, and Waitress get the TV working.
MAC
Alright.
DeNNIS
Yeah! Wait a second...
The TV keeps getting brighter and brighter.
MAC
What the hell is it with this?
DENNIS
Cheap Chinese piece of crap.
Charlie is on stage and the light from the TV is shinning right in his eyes and he has to squint. His yellow skin and squinting creates some grumbling in the crowd.
CHARLIE
(his l's are replaced by r's)
He-ro. My name is Char-rie.
We hear a , "what the fuck," come out of the crowd. Frank looks on in delight.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Wow, that TV is rear-ry bright. Sorry, I burnt my tongue.
More murmurs from the crowd. They are not happy. Charlie walks over to his banner that is covered and pulls the string to reveal the banner.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
Welcome to Char-ries Internship Camp!
The sign reads "Charlie's Internment Camp".
ASIAN KID 1
Asshole!
AsIAN KID 2
Racist!
Charlie continues to talk oblivious to the crowd's discontent.
ChARLIE
I thought long and hard about it and I thought the word "camp" truly captured the experience we're going to have today.
MAC
Woah!
DeNNIS
Oh god.
FRANK
Yes.
Charlie is baffled as the kids start leaving angrily.
CHARLIE
What did I do? I spelled it myself. Syllable by syllable just how Hooked-on-Phonics told me to.
Waitress and Aaron walk up to Charlie and Waitress slaps him in the face.
WAITRESS
I thought there'd be a chance that you were really trying to change, but you're just a racist, stupid, asshole.
CHARLIE
What? I worked on this sign all night. Do Asian people hate camp for some reason? I love camp.
DENNIS
Charlie, it says, Internment Camp. Look, In-Tern-Ment.
WAITRESS
That's where they wrongly imprisoned Japanese-Americans during World War II.
AARON
My grandparents were in an Internment camp.
MAC
Not cool, dude.
WAITRESS
Goodbye, Charlie.
Charlie simmers to a boil.
ChARLIE
Damn you, Hooked-on-Phonics!
Meanwhile, at the other end of the bar, Frank is desperately trying to talk to the kids as they leave.
FRANK
Fight the power. All right, dudes. Stick it to the man.
SANDY walks by.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Hey, Sandy. Wanna chill tonight?
SANDY
What? Don't talk to me, old man.
FRANK
Huh?
SANDY
Stop trying to dress like a younger man. You look ridiculous. You look like a white Mao Zedong.
FRANK
He was cool though, right?
SANDY
No, he wasn't.
Frank, sad and alone, musters up some hope.
FRANK
(to himself)
This'll make for a great blog.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
InT. paDDY'S PUB - AFTERNOON
DEE finally exits the bathroom. She's astounded at how empty the bar is. CHARLIE sits at the end of the bar with his head on the bar. MAC and DENNIS watch the Eagles' game on their new FLATSCREEN TV. They're wearing SUNGLASSES.
DEE
Where the hell did everybody go?
MAC
Charlie inadvertently deeply offended the entire continent of Asia, it's citizens, and all Asian-Americans.
DENNIS
So we don't have any more interns.
DEE
Bummer. I guess Charlie is going to have to unclog the ladies' toilet.
The end.